Why I understand my Pregnancy and Birth Choices as Political Action

Whether by nature or by constructive design I am a feminist in every way that I understand feminism to mean. Whilst I happily debate with many and often myself about the historical inclusionary, exclusionary and culturally specific aspects of feminist thinking, I have always stood in agreement with one traditional argument – there is no separation between the personal and the political, my personal is public and everything about it is intensely political.

It all comes down to the intriguing concept of ‘choice’, I am never one to take semantics lightly particularly concerning this word and its array of meanings in the English language. The moment I make a choice I am practicing conscious action based upon my political beliefs and feelings as a woman, in whatever environment I am in at that time. I am fully aware that such choice making is a privilege given to me by my social position and geographical location in the world, dependent upon my access to varied knowledge sources, freedom to act and speak without physical or legal repression and the influence of the hundreds of women dead, alive and yet to be born whom I take inspiration from.

Knowledge (or stuff and info), lived experience and emotional memory drive the choices I make; I would admit the latter dominates whether consciously or not. It has taken until my third pregnancy to reflect upon the politics in my personal reproductive choices and behaviour and until now to construct the confidence needed to defend myself against a status quo of a medicalised appropriation of women's bodies.

At 36, female bodily experience and the immense surge of power I feel when with foetus has finally led me to be proud, confident and happy about the choices I am making for the life of my womb and its contents, due to physically separate at birth. My studies have led me recently into the realms of foetal subjectivities that are at once fascinating and mind blowing. I have become seduced by the writings of French philosopher Julia Kristeva who attempts to find ways of explaining what may or may not begin in the womb, from the moment of conception: or what she so eloquently names the semiotic chora – the poetry of the pre-lingual. I find it nourishing to think about how my actions now may impact on the formation of the new human currently growing from my body, I also love the ideas of social scientist Barbara Duden who writes in her book Disembodying Women of the foetus as an astronaut who travels the length of the female body, influencing every aspect of it and societies claims upon its vessel. It is this literature that reminds me every day that choice is political practice and should never be taken for granted.

I am proud to say that I have denied registering my pregnancy with my GP and state maternity care; I have researched and hired an independent midwife who pops by only upon my request and chats without laying a finger on my body and who trusts me to know my own body; I have chosen no external interventions such as ultrasound, urine and blood testing; I am returning to the place and people where I feel emotionally drawn to birth; and most importantly I am taking full responsibility for my pregnancy and birth decisions because I choose to do so including any consequences that come along with that responsibility.

I understand my decisions as no better or worse than any other pregnant woman, I am doing what I feel is the correct, political thing to do based upon who I am and how I understand it is to be a woman. Even in the most life affirming, sensitive, beautiful and painful moments of my life I cannot deny that politics creates the situation I and my children are in. 

No you can't choose your midwife but you can choose a caesarean!

If I were to explain that within six months you would no longer be able to choose a midwife who you and you family could build up a relationship with over 9 months, have a home birth without uniforms and bizzare multi-presence protocol and not be pressured into sonograms you don't need and a birth plan that has your wishes at the centre, you may wonder: "Did I ever have this choice in the first place?" ...

Yes, it is actually possible to birth outside of the NHS and no they didn't invent it! There has always been this choice in the UK, independent midwives (IMs) have worked before, during and after the NHS and state manipulation of midwifery and have provided individual woman centred care for ..well I could say centuries, but to be more exact since time began! Women have always had the option to opt-out of the system and hire (its not as expensive as you would think and therefore not just the reserve of the middle classes as is it is often viewed) a woman to support them during the pregnancy, birth and post natal period. IMs have lovingly dealt with all aspects of fear, trauma, post-natal depression etc. and do so by providing as much time as you need, not a 5 minute slot in an over-run surgery. 

Until now that is, independent midwifery (IM) in the UK has been serious threat for around 5 years or so. I won't go into the legislative attack on IMs in this post, much better detail can be found by clicking in this link and also a brief search on the net. But lets say in short that by 2013, unless they work for a supporting company who can provide funding for exorbitant insurance fees rising over the price that any individual could afford (around £80,000 and rising) then its bye bye birthing practice. Their only choice (ahem!) is to join the ranks of the uniformed NHS and do it their way. Nice strategy government body people to populate a dwindling NHS profession - force IMs into your service!! Without that IMs can work as doulas, a noble art and invaluable role to all women and families - but invaluable as support to woman and midwife. It's basically saying "look we know you're qualified, have many years of experience and are more caring than any nameless institutional drone will ever be BUT you just have to watch and you don't get to say when!" Strangely enough a bit like NHS midwives when an obstetrician enters the labour room!

Now before I get too carried away, I wanted to write this post not so much from my usual activist and anthropologist view (although they'll get in there somewhere!), but from a woman and mother's point of view. I write a lot about the problems in Chiapas and Mexico and feel strongly about the treatment of women there, however, I also take great pride in having lived there, married there and started my family there - with the subjective freedom to search out and identify the support and services that I needed. I gave birth to my second child in the UK and although there are just as many stories to the contrary as to support mine - I NEVER WOULD AGAIN if left to the mercy of a public system that has no respect for the divine wisdom and magic of original midwifery. No matter where I am in the world as a woman I know my own body and I know its limits. As a mother I trust in myself and my baby to find our way through together and to listen to what we are thinking/feeling/doing. Whether in a challenged, post-colonial economy or a fucked up British one I feel it should the right of any woman to seek her own education about reproduction, birth, abortion and make her own decisions about what happens with her own body. It should be the right of any woman to birth the next generation in a safe environment with those she loves and respects close by and no stranger touching her who doesn't even bother to ask her, her name. 

The current system in the UK is striving to offer women more choice (ahem!) birthing centres next to hospitals, elective caesarean, perhaps a home birth if you, your baby, your home meet the criteria. Whilst activists for reproductive rights are fighting for the right to choose (ahem!) interventions and surgery on the basis that no-one should suffer in modern day (without considering that if most pregnancies and births are taken out of a pathological model and medical birthing environment the 'suffering' would not so much be an issue).

So reading between the political spin and woeful lack of media coverage (as expected on women's health issues) you can shortly feel free to elect for surgical interventions that can lead to long term complications, problems with breast feeding, institutional challenges to follow-up vaginal birth, drugs in yours and your baby's system a big fat scar and an obstetrician who doesn't know your name but may charge you a small fortune when they eventually kill off maternity services from the NHS. BUT YOU CAN NOT FEEL FREE TO choose whom you wish to attend you based on whether you like their personality and approach to pregnancy, get to know your midwife and they you and your family over 9 months, decide where you really want to bring your baby into the world and receive support that enables you to feel empowered and in control of your reproductive destiny so that suffering is not a concept (managing pain yes, suffering no). On rare occasions you may fall into an NHS postcode that supports this type of midwifery practice in the system, but that's not a choice (ahem!) its the luck of the draw - lucky you!

Midwives are amazing and many in the system are just as amazing as those outside it, but here in my country of origin I don't get to decide any more which one I want to allow into the most personal, naked, precious moment of my life and I am no longer able to say please don't put your fingers inside my vagina stranger person as I do not wish to have an internal examination if you show me I can do it myself......quite frankly that sucks!

If I could draw my PhD....

If I was able to express in art what I'm trying to do by analysing what is inside and how women feel it would look like this:

Salvador Dali City of Drawers

If only I could embody Salvador Dali that is!

This last couple of weeks I've been trying to get to grips with pregnant embodiment via a multiple body analysis (using Lock and Scheper-Hughes' notion of Individual Body, Social Body and Body Politic). I'm finding that as with theories of embodiment themselves I am awash with mental imagery and physical feelings of what it is to embody a social (and cultural) idea of what reproducing is and what having an occupied womb feels like. What I'm finding most problematic is turning this into something tangible, that makes sense to those outside of my head who are given the task of deciphering what it is I'm trying to say. 

Studying the humanities (or social science - when it comes to anthropology no-one can decide!) has introduced, rejuvenated and reaffirmed a love for artistic expression. I'm finally able to connect how humans have coped with a lack of the right words to describe how they feel - what they have done with a burning desire to express how they experience the world. Making me at once liberated and dismayed that no matter how much I would like to dance my way through a viva voce I will never be allowed.

I have discovered one saving grace though, the work of Julia Kristeva  and her writings about poetic language and the semiotic chora (the pre-lingual subject in process). From what I can begin to understand is that she is willing to explore the pre-cultural human in the womb, ourselves before we become social selves. This entails trying to grasp what urges are and can be - if there is any chance that some part of us cannot be explained via the route of social construction. 

I spend so much of my time thinking about how our every thought and feeling is manipulated by our surroundings and experiences - a very European approach to a world we have perhaps lost touch with, a spirituality that has been analysed away. Kristeva has bought something back for me, in a way given me permission to think through my own birth experiences and those of others. To be able to dig deep into other cultures and narratives that celebrate a female, maternal, real, connection to the earth - a way of metaphorically kicking off my shoes and feeling the earth or sand in between my toes. I can close my eyes and see liquid, blood, organs, space and what I imagine to be the collective wombs of women around the world, I can imagine myself swimming through dark, sticky red liquids that relate to womanhood and reproduction.

If I only I could find the right words......